Volume 2, No. 28 June 14, 2002
Getting in and out of relationships By Ellen Farrell Dealing with the break-up of a relationship can be painful and intense. A person may feel his or her heart is literally breaking in two, or disoriented, lost and angry. When a whole circle of friends were the ex’s first (or took ‘sides’), it can be an additional challenge to cope with the loss of other friendships. When friends don’t communicate, gossip, are non-supportive, or are hurtful in some other way, this can lead to self-doubt, or feelings of depression and anxiety, and a person may begin to withdraw and feel isolated. This pattern indicates the presence of toxic relationships that can extend beyond the romantic type. When a person inappropriately define himself or herself as a success because he or she is in a relationship, a break-up can hit very hard. Despite all that, sometimes a relationship is time-limited and just was not enough of a match to deserve a long-term commitment. Usually it has been leading up to a break-up over a long period of time, or never really "clicked" from the start. Sometimes two people may have genuine feelings, but have too many personal or professional issues (or differences) to have the skills or energy needed to make a relationship last. What brings two people together? Was the initial attraction only physical and never developed to a deeper level? Did the couple grow apart, developing different interests or values (or come together for the wrong reasons)? Did a physical distance allow new feelings toward new people to develop? Ask, "What was good and what was not?" Make lists to help discover a more objective perspective. Talk to trusted friends or get some guidance from a counselor. Sting had it right when he wrote, "If you love someone, set them free." In reality, to be healthy, each person in a relationship must be there because both parties feel a mutual commitment. Otherwise, what’s the point? It is healthy to allow time to adjust to the transition of a break-up — to mourn the loss and be patient with the process. However, it is also important to evaluate what was learned from the experience. Remember, to quote another icon, "You can’t always get what you want — you get what you need." Learn from past mistakes, remembering that all experiences are opportunities to grow. A healthy relationship, beyond the first feelings of physical attraction, involves good communication, honesty, reciprocity, mutual love and respect, supportiveness, caring, generosity, shared ethical, moral, and spiritual views, and an agreement on growing and learning together; all of this makes for a best friendship and spiritual bond. The department of health and wellness offers counseling for individuals and couples, and related issues. Call 525-6971 or visit the office on the fourth floor of the American Building, 7 Drayton St. Farrell is a counselor in the health and wellness department.
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